Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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