there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
whose parrot is this?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
