you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
