Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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