walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize