That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
