When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
two words...techno handjob
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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