you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
