My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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