dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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