My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
