Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
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