life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I would fuck him just for his dog
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
