she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
