i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
