Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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