If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
