We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
