i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
