6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
