gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
