I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm passing your future prison.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
