When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
