Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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