i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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