So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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