You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I AM VODKA MAN
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
