How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
