I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
is wine microwaveable?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize