Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
