Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
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