i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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