Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
