I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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