that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
