Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
