my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
