Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
