You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
