I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
