I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize