Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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