God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
