I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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