I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sorry about my life...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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