"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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