I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
