is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
