Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Pants are for mortals
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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