omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
