it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
NoShamevember. You game?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
