rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
