FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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