walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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