My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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