fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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