I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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