I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize